Cultivating Our Sexuality With Intention & Integrity: Separating Male Orgasm from Ejaculation

It is of great importance that we own the full responsibility of our sexuality. Human sexuality is a complex creature. Certainly, if you ask the evolutionary biologists they will tell you without equivocation that our sexuality is a straightforward function of procreation, driven by our ingrained instinct to survive. Yet after witnessing both my own intimate experience as well as the experiences of hundred of individuals and couples over the years, the function of our sexuality is clearly so much more intricate. And, it is also so much more fundamental and wide-reaching than our culture would have us believe. Sexual energy is nothing less than the energy of life itself. It courses and pulses its way through all organic matter, highly detectable to all those who have taken the time to peak outside the very small box we have been offered in our culture. From very early on we are told that our sexuality 1) takes place in the bedroom and 2) that it is simply the force that leads, in a linear fashion, to intercourse and orgasm. This constrained viewpoint has left us foundering and frustrated while efficiently creating the perception of a vast wasteland between our human experience and the rest of life on the planet.

There are many ancient cultures across the globe that place sexuality within its full context; that it is the interface, bridge or common denominator between us as isolated individuals and the rest of the world (physical and meta-physical alike). Tantra, Tao and Quedoshka are three of the more well-studied of these ancient practices. After apprenticing to these practices for years now, I teach Taoist energy cultivation to most of my clients, even if they come to see me for issues seemingly unrelated to sexuality. I do this because, of course, there is nothing in the organic world that is unrelated to sexuality.

With equal certainty I will say that it is one of the more powerful acts a man can take to invest the necessary time (and sometimes expense) to learn that his ejaculation is a separate event from his orgasm; that it is absolutely possible to experience orgasm after orgasm (in one lovemaking session - whether with self or a partner) without ejaculating once. The Taoists believe that the older a man gets the more frequently he should be orgasming and the less frequently he should be ejaculating, since when a man ejaculates he looses his life force for a brief period of time, including his mental acuity and his masculine drive (two things, it could be argued, a man would NEVER want to be without). The first step in this process is learning how to control ejaculation, and this can be done in relatively short order without much more of an investment than a fifteen minute search on Google and some embodiment, breathing and muscle-contraction exercises.

However, for the man who has larger aspirations, who is interested in experiencing his masculine power (and intimate sexual prowess) beyond anything he can likely imagine beforehand, there is a book that I recommend to all my clients; The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Mantak Chia. There is only one problem with this book, and that is, it's a book. Men tell me over and over that they are visual, practical, hands-on learners. So, as a beautiful and curious man just explained it to me, "mano a mano" is the best way - literally feeling your way into this new realm...hands on. Often, the first step in this expedition is simply receiving the permission and encouragement to embark. Take it men! Go for it!

I will say two things about this, as a woman rather than a guide or therapist 1) The embodied in-the-room power coursing through the man who has reclaimed his full sexuality is palpable and 2) there is NOTHING that can describe the experience of making love with a man who has learned this practice. The orgasm - for the female - is more intense and far more full-body than anything she is likely to have experienced with or without a partner up to that point. And this makes sense. All his sexual energy is free to move without the constraint of ejaculate, move as if it were vapor or a lightening bolt, into the woman and beyond. And he is then left feeling the opposite of depleted. He is energized even further, erect consistently, and ready for literally a full night's love making. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly for the purposes of Re-Wilding, this acute level of sexual energy cultivation brings us back to our most primal (and universal) power source and restores our connection with all life in the process. Many people will describe that, in these moments of extreme pleasure, they experience uncertainty as to whether they will survive - whether their physical bodies are strong enough to experience this level of energy. From personal experience as a witness and a woman I agree fully. In the realm of Re-Wilding, sex is never a thing we want to go into with the certainty that we will survive. It is an underworld journey. We want to enter it like a phoenix into its own flame, ready to offer up everything of ourselves that no longer serves.

For men, one of the most powerful ways to Re-Wild your sexuality is to reclaim its fullest potential and learn to separate your orgasm from the act of ejaculating. I promise you, you will not regret your investment.